Forgive me for not putting these thoughts together in a more coherent form, this is sort of a train of thought here:
First of all, I definitely like the second version better, without “faeces for food” and the “of death” line. I did really enjoy the crossing out of the “of death” line though, and I wonder if that’s an element that you might bring in somewhere else in the poem. There are certain moments when the order of the words/lines is clear (meaning that as the reader, I know which word/line to jump to next), and there are moments when I get confused about where to go next. Did you intend for it to be somewhat confusing, or is there a clear sequence in your mind that you were trying to convey? The place where I get lost is in the lines “what once was I,” “was,” “when old and,” and “fleshy.” It looks like “fleshy” is neither on the same line as “what once was I” nor as “when old and,” but rather on a line placed halfway between them. While I like the repetition of “flesh,” I wonder if you might expand on it and include “fleshy” words that aren’t that word itself. You don’t talk about the color (more than mentioning the word “color”), the texture, the weight, the smell of flesh. The concept of flesh remains rather flat and abstract. I think the ending is the strongest part: “to not disdain this world with all its fire” and “to not mistake smoke for air” are my favorite lines. All in all, I find the poem very inviting and easy to relate to, and I certainly come away from it richer for having read it.
http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e197/jedbickman/FleshEdit.jpg
August 10th, 2009 | #
Forgive me for not putting these thoughts together in a more coherent form, this is sort of a train of thought here:
First of all, I definitely like the second version better, without “faeces for food” and the “of death” line. I did really enjoy the crossing out of the “of death” line though, and I wonder if that’s an element that you might bring in somewhere else in the poem. There are certain moments when the order of the words/lines is clear (meaning that as the reader, I know which word/line to jump to next), and there are moments when I get confused about where to go next. Did you intend for it to be somewhat confusing, or is there a clear sequence in your mind that you were trying to convey? The place where I get lost is in the lines “what once was I,” “was,” “when old and,” and “fleshy.” It looks like “fleshy” is neither on the same line as “what once was I” nor as “when old and,” but rather on a line placed halfway between them. While I like the repetition of “flesh,” I wonder if you might expand on it and include “fleshy” words that aren’t that word itself. You don’t talk about the color (more than mentioning the word “color”), the texture, the weight, the smell of flesh. The concept of flesh remains rather flat and abstract. I think the ending is the strongest part: “to not disdain this world with all its fire” and “to not mistake smoke for air” are my favorite lines. All in all, I find the poem very inviting and easy to relate to, and I certainly come away from it richer for having read it.
September 1st, 2009 | #