Hi I rewrote Sparky Starts to…
Now it is called “HANK STARTS TO ROB A GAS STATION.”
Read and comment, make a sexy time.
-Etien
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hey jp
i like this version a lot better–I know I was sycophantic about the last one, though too. I think that the first few paragraphs are really overwritten, and a first-time reader would have trouble taking the rest of your writing style seriously after that, but you do settle down into a nice rhythem/voice. I like the more hernia parts. I think I’d like more elaboration on the character’s jewishness–I just can’t seem to reconcile my steriotypes about jews and my steriotypes about guys who talk like Hank and Sparky. Oh, and if hank’s from Connecticut, he doesn’t sound east-coast when he talks–maybe you haven’t spent enough time in this most depressing part of the country. Maybe Hank’s trying to talk like a normal American so he doesn’t stand out as an easterner. maybe he’s not for real from connt. these are all details that have to be worked out, but y’know, you could make this thing work, I still think.
August 17th, 2007 | #
i wanted hank to be an east-coast jew posing as a ho-boy. much as i have been, in similar situations, an irish-catholic from a wealthy college town posing as a hick in rural minnesota and the ozarks of missouri. i should make that more obvious, you are right. Maybe he has a hard time understanding the attendant? Would it work if there were times his mask falls so to speak? thanks for our comments and for the record i like sychophantism if it is about my work.
August 17th, 2007 | #