I’m dying to let it out. I’m dying. I can feign happiness and contentment but I feel like when these are faked real versions become less possible. I can’t shake the notion that [insert cliche pronoun] would make it all worth it, all better. I try but I just can’t shake the thought. What is it that you are looking for ben? How will you know when you find it? There is no memo straight from a heavenly fax machine saying “this is it.” Despite my efforts the disillusionment is growing, festering, boiling, flowing over and out my mouth (or in this case fingers). How do I surrender without giving up? Someone asked me the other day what on earth I was doing here, on earth. I proceeded to lose my mind.
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Here’s something I found in an old moleskine. Wrote it in Prague almost a year ago, and it made me think of your post ben.
Total Lack
The complete lack of production
or any ideas to express creatively.
It is a lack of concentration,
spurred by nothing.
the guilt
perhaps, a shortness of breath
within my own system.
the point in which words are meaningless
or even when, through
incorrect intonation,
they become vessels of opposition.
where happiness is expressed
by displeasure.
well-being is a form
of solitude and sickness.
indigestion is aroused by a cup of delicious tea
that spurs lies.
it is the opposite, the mistrust
of humanity – the limitation of troubles
and the pain of non-certainty.
Fine and be Frank
Develop a personality
Lose feeling in your toes and gain sensation in your upper cathodes
For a higher experience,
try mulberry ascots.
Can the rum taste me, the same as I know it?
symbols symbols symbols
reminders
and contradictions
wanting to touch you as
you stroll through the
courtyards of regression,
yet they are lofty and impenetrable.
Formed by hands unseen and
immortalized.
To rebuild the house in which you were born -
take 2 and write.
January 27th, 2007 | #
moleskines for life son.
January 28th, 2007 | #
I feel that block so much. that haunting feeling, just when i sit down and start to stare at the screen, when I can’t tell if i’m bullshitting myself or taking myself seriously. i mock my hands on the keyboard. I want to parenthasize my entire authorship.
bxkfemrm
January 28th, 2007 | #